Alexa Chung Shows Keira Knightley the Ropes?

I've always liked Keira Knightley, which is why I feel quite sorry for her right now.

Alexa Chung introduced her to the beautful James Righton of the Klaxons (Vocals & Keyboard) and now they appear to be making a go of it. But the highly embarassing thing is that a source close to Knightley said, and I quote:

"He's a real rocker and a lovely guy with it and she likes that whole scene - lately she's become far more rock and roll and has been hanging out with a really trendy crowd"

 

You just don't mention things like that. It's the equivalent of smoking cigarettes and then telling people you do it to look cool. Or like David Cameron taking a picture with lots of destitute Third World kids and then telling the media he just wants to win votes from philanthropists and the sympathetic working class. It's the elephant buried deep beneath the floorboards in the room. It's there, my God it's there. It's just, we'd rather not dig it up.

"He's a real rocker and a lovely guy with it." - Akin to how a 12-year-old girl might describe Justin Bieber.

"She likes that whole scene - lately she's become far more rock and roll." - I don't like to use this abbreviation if I can help it but...LOL.

"Has been hanging out with a really trendy crowd." - Poor Rupert friend was not considered trendy because he is merely an award-winning actor and never thought to form a rock band. 

Of course, the reference to a "really trendy crowd" probably involves Alexa Chung due to her cupidity and her already being with a fit 'rocker', Arctic Monkeys' frontman Alex Turner. I can just imagine Keira Knightley yielding to the peer pressure of obtaining a man of 'rocker' status.

Read more: http://www.nme.com/news/tabloid-hell/55880

A Very Very Fanny Joke, if You Will

"Where did all the lesbians hang out during the first world war?"

'"I don't know! Where?!", I hear you cry.

 NO MAN'S LAND!


Well...okay it's not spectacular. And I'm sure a similar joke has existed along those lines, borrowing that very notion, but I would not know. For I naively tried to google it and received not a bunch of war-related jokes, but was caught unawares by an unbearable listing of porno-based results. Keywords lesbian, no, mans and land did not bode well with Google, even on strict SafeSearch filtering. I perused crossed out the page of results immediately.

 

I am obliged to add that my brother has creative ownership of the joke. He is unbelievably proud of his work. I don't even know why, I mean, it's not great.






Wish I'd thought of it first :(

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE

Not kidding. Life. Get. One. Now.

Please do not mind the insane, death wish-type lettering above! It is just a threatening self-reminder that I, as the unbeatable master of procrastination and idolatry, have things that need to get done. So whenever I casually sign in to my blog with the lazy intention of publishing yet another menial, self-satisfying post, I am reminded of the fatal consequence. 

Indeed. These are the radical means I have had to resort to in a bid to stop the complacency. Life is just a chronological string of deadlines one must meet in order to taste some struggle and live sanely.

In other words, please...

• Get a fucking proper job before uni. One that is not voluntary, unpaid and/or promising "other great benefits!"
• Update your iPod. There is no healthy justification for playing, to this day, the We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank 2004 LP on loop
• Work on your lack of confidence and stop hiding behind laptop screens. What's more, if you must hide behind a laptop screen, at least hide behind one that YOU own

Of course I know that the second first goal is of more immediate importance than the others.

I am shit at being timely. Wait a minute. Surely...this must mean I am timely at being shit.

The Daily Mail Don't Half Beat Around the Facial Bush

The Daily Mail published an article last Tuesday. It's titled:

 Kate Winslet reveals her curves in a sheer dress...but what a shame about the powdery face

Winslet's perfectly-raised hair turned heads at the premier

Above is the photo included to substantiate the oh so powdery visage. That is all. I mean that is the main predicament here isn't it? The powdery face?

The powdery face is a shame. But DM, is there really nothing else you want to address to us? No strand of knowledge you wish to impart? No steadily growing worries in your mind, on regarding the impeccable Kate Winslet?

 

No? Oh very well then. 

Do not get me wrong - I adore Kate Winslet, she is talented and fit as. I also agree that every female lets themself go now and then and, as unfortunate as it is, there will always be the celebrity double standards. What I hate is DM's inability to say what they really want to. You do not put up a mega-zoomed picture of a furry countenance (I just hoped to make it sound as cute and elegant as possible) under the pretence of a 'powdery face'. For the love of God, just mention the pretty fluff! 

Here is another example of DM shunning what needs to be expressed:

Actual title: "Propaganda victory for BNP leader Nick Griffin as he fights off contempt of court case over 'racist' constitution"

Intended title: "Nick Griffin is a 'racist' cockmuncher and turd-eater"

Da Vinci Has Nothing On Me

How scary does this bitch look? I had intended to produce one of my usual exquisite drawings using Microsoft Paint as always, when I realised this particular laptop has the old version of Paint. Thus she decided to come out looking like a knob and my artistic potential could not be showcased in my previous post. Never mind, I will add my intended picture to it once I get on the other laptop.

Purple Hair Dye & Self-Deprecation

Something from the diary of yesteryear...

January 17th 2010, 


I had planned to wake up and do my revision but obviously that did not happen. I dyed my hair a colour I cannot determine. On the box, it is called 'Cyber Purple'. I did the blond first to lighten my hair although I do not think that was so necessary now. 

I must have failed to read "Result: healthy  party-string coloured hair with a hint of shit" on the box.

It's Not Paedophilic if a Girl Says it....Honest

It just sort of happens. There I am watching a film at the cinema or a programme on TV with others. Before I can establish whether my thought will be spoken out loud or just bouncing safely around within the confines of my diminutive brain - and very rarely is it the latter - I remark:

"Damn, he's going to be hot when he grows up!  I CAN TELL"

Poor little Jimmy just wanted to watch the end of Iron Man 2

Thus begins the mild upheaval around me. But it's really not the most ghastly thing one can let slip. I did not say "Damn, I want to rape that boy when he grows up". Merely that he would be a looker among his female peers. Or male peers. We musn't assume.






_______________________________________________________________________________________

 So while we're on the subject, I will kindly share a couple of characters that I saw fit to compliment in a perfectly healthy and non-detrimental manner, and you see if they do not make you blush. Ever so slightly.

1. Tom Riddle of Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince
    Played by Hero Fiennes-Tiffin

Fiennes-Tiffin as Tom Riddle in HP 6

And I mean the very youngest of all the Tom Riddle's seen throughout the Harry Potter films. And just because his uncle is Ralph Fiennes (who plays Lord Voldermort), does not mean he was cast for the role on the basis of pure favour ( at least not expressly). His acting is about as strange as his name, which is perfect for Tom's eerie persona. The young actor certainly puts Michael Gambon's performance of Dumbledore to shame. But we'll save that rant for another time. Grrr, that Gambon sure knows how to cause boilage of blood.



2. Sajid Khan of West Is West
    Played by Aqib Khan

Khan takes on Khan, West Is West

At present, the actor is aged 17 (which is actually not that pervy), and he does just fine in a slim fit suit.

 






  

3. Marcus Brewer of About a Boy

    Played by Nicholas Hoult

Hoult as Marcus Brewer in About a Boy

Until some years ago, I never knew that I needn't feel guilty about liking Marcus the oddball in About a Boy. Maybe I forgot how young I was when I thought it. When the Skins series aired on TV and Hoult's Tony Stonem made me fall off my seat, I realised that all could be forgiven. Nick Hoult is currently aged 21. And in the duration of my barefaced ignorance, had undergone a graceful transformation from this on the right...

Into this

He wants you to shut up

Yep. I know.